OK so here comes another pitiful journal entry... Seatbelts on?

First big thing that's happened recently is AS results (if you're not in the UK we do half of our final exams before uni one year, then the other the next - ASs and A2s). Collection of them was preceded by seeing on the tele how ridiculously easy they are and how everyone gets an A for everything - yeh right! As it turned out I was a little disappointed with my results; being a bit of a perfectionist I know I could have done better - the comforting thing is that it doesn't matter one jot. Whilst they're not incredible, they're good enough, just about, for my Oxford application, not that I'm dead set on going there anyway. It seems like so much pressure for the sake of 4 years of more pressure. Mind you, the course seems better than my second choice, Durham, so maybe it is worth it.

Have spent a good part of my summer reading - which has been good, as well as having the time to pick up my violin and sit at my piano. Haven't really seen my friends nearly as much as I'd like, but they keep doing troublesome things like going on holiday.

As for learning to drive - the other big thing in the life of a 17-year-old... not far till 18 - Well I still haven't had a lesson, though I think I'm ready for my test, but having just looked I can't get a test till at least the back end of September! Ah well c'est larvae.

Do I have to say anything else? Oh yes, congratulations for bothering to read this - if you're feeling suitably brave, drop a comment down there. Go on - I dare you... \/\/\/\/\/

Well tomorrow's my deviant Birthday!!! I turn 1! Alas, one year is far too short a time to spend among such excellent and admirable artists. I don’t know half of you half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.

Well looking back on my first year at devArt the first thing I notice - I haven't done enough art for my own satisfaction. Not nearly enough; I have some nice ideas for peices which I never end up doing, mainly because of trying to do 5 A-levels, various music pursuits and more running than is sane at the same time. Oh and I like to sleep a lot.

The second thing I notice is just just how much I've improved over the year. It probably doesn't show in my gallery, but I know just how ropey I was in my first few peices. And while we're on the up-side I have another digiArt peice which I've been working on for an age and a day which I should really try to get done before year's end. It's had to be severely chopped and reworked due to lack of processing power and multiple crashes, but I think the end product will be better than what I had originally intended. Now I think on it though, I still have a fair bit of work to do on it: a floor, various decorative touches, all the lighting, a backdrop, which, when I come to think of it, I might not need, which leads me on to think about where I take the render from...

The third thing I notice is that this is only my second journal entry. I guess I don't really keep a journal here. I guess that'll be something I'll try to get into the habit of doing next year. I'm not really all that keen on people I know reading up on me, kinda freaky imho, but seeing as I'm writing under a nom-de-plume, and I'm pretty sure no-one but MKK knows me here IRL I think I'm fairly safe. She already knows just how insane and boring I am.

The fourth thing I notice is I'm not really doing anything to remedy no. 1. Perhaps that's what I should do now.

Adios amigos, -xx

Hmmm, well I thought I might as well write a journal entry since I'm too lazy and tired to write anything else at the moment; not that anyone will actually read it, but sometimes its refreshing to look at your life in black and white - ok so perhaps less refreshing and more depressing.

So what have I been up to that is really gonna change the course of my life or affect who I am or what I do in any way shape or form? Nothing. What have I really achieved recently that I'm particularly pleased about? Ummm... nope nothing there either. So what have I got to talk about? You guessed it.

So really as I write this I'm just whittling those precious minutes of my life away. I'm seeing wood shavings drop to the floor all around me. Except really a more accurate picture might be that of a tree, shedding leaves and branches over the years, but all the time alive, growing, and seeking to survive in a changing environment. Our problem is though, survival is just too easy. Let's face it, every time you walk out of your house, you're not really in danger of being eaten by a ravenous wilderbeast. As comforting as this might be, to quote... someone or other... "There is no courage without fear". And without this courage, what may motivate us to achieve, or to strive for what cannot be done. Modern life has bred a satisfaction with the easy, and bred out a contempt for the satisfactory.

Is this then the answer to my drought of achievement? Is it time for me to sieze the day, or to live dangerously?

Realistically, no. The fact of the matter is that as much as I try to get away from it, realism tells me that most likely I'm not going to achieve anything that I'm going to be remembered for. My life is a ticking clock, a time bomb of ignominy.

At it seems here at last I've found something that I can choose not to accept. An oppurtunity to strive for the improbable. Something to fear. So where do I start? Well the first step is clear. "I'm going to hang up this phone and then I'm going to show these people what you don't want them to see. I'm going to show them a world without you, a world without rules and controls, without borders or boundaries, a world where anything is possible. Where we go from there is a choice I leave to you."
So we start here, as we always do. What is different is not an expectation of change, but rather a realisation of the freedom of probability. I choose to end this already absurdly long jounal entry, and start living.